Current mood:	lonely
Current music:	Smashing Pumpkins- Thirty-Three

So how does it feel?
To sit next to someone you used to have sex with, snuggle with, kiss, hug, touch, everything and know that you can't ever do that ever again- it crushed me. It was almost like torture but in the same, I wanted to sit next to him, I guess I felt some kind of comfort... that maybe because he was just those few rows closer that maybe it wouldn't hurt that bad. I must say I almost didn't make it through the class. I left at one point to regain my composure for a second. I really wish with all of my heart, with all of my being and everything that you would love me. I don't see how you can do this to me... without loving me... just a little. It takes a bit more than like to hurt someone like this- with the bearing that you are making things right. I have wondered so much. I wonder if you think about things like I do, the things we won't be able to do because you are not mine, and I am not yours. I wonder if you truley want this or if you are doing it to be the bigger of us. Because if that's how it is... please for God sakes... come back. I need your help so much with math tomorrow, I'm honestly afraid to see how it is going to pan out. I know after we are done that I'm going to want to go into my room and watch a movie and snuggle. I'm going to want to hug you and hold you and tell you that I'll be okay... and you will too. But I don't know. It makes me just want to disappear. To know that someone is going to have the Ray that I did, but a better more experienced one, it makes me wish I'd have never did any of this. But then I realize how much I loved the time we had. I hate that one minute I'm okay and able to laugh a little, and the next I'm livid with anger and rage... and then sorrow and pain. I know the routine... I just hate it. I've gone through it too many times, soo many times. I should be used to it. I should have seen it coming and maybe prepared myself a little better.

How am I going to get through not wanting to run into your arms everytime I see you? How can I not want to kiss you? I wanted to die when I was sick and couldn't kiss you ... and when I was better and did, it was like the first kiss all over again. With the tickles and everything....just... fix it, make it stop.

[Session Start (AIM - stormyraejin:Ray): Tue Aug 24 01:34:09 2004
Ray: what a profile
*** Auto-response sent to Ray: Out and aboot in a boat. Gimmie a call so you can come too!!!!
Ray: lol
Ray: this is ray
Ray: judes gave me your sn
Ray: call me or im me sometime (586) 615****
Ray: *insert dash*
Stormyraejin: dash inserted

[stormyraejin: Anyway, This weekend Jackie and I were supposed to go apartment shopping possibly with Ray... but he's a busy man. Sniffle. I think I little chip of my heart fell off... being that it's sweetest day. LMAO! But I understand. Shit happens.
Stormyraejin: That's from the journal
Ray: lol
Ray: well i'm not positive but i think i'll be able to hang out saturday
Stormyraejin: No you wont
Stormyraejin: Your working
Stormyraejin: and hanging out with your friend
Stormyraejin: So it's all fine
Stormyraejin: *sucks it up* I'm a big girl!
Stormyraejin: *still sucking*
Stormyraejin: LOL
Ray: no, really
Stormyraejin: No really
Stormyraejin: I'm not going to make you be with me
Stormyraejin: you had previous plans
Ray: you're not
Stormyraejin: yuhuh
Ray: i was going to surprise you but you're all up in arms about it
Stormyraejin: What the hell
Stormyraejin: Why did you say that then
Stormyraejin: Why'd you say you were going to surprise me
Stormyraejin: You would have had me crying
Ray: well we dont' want that
Stormyraejin: It would have been happy tears
Stormyraejin: But I'm still sad
Stormyraejin: LOL
Ray: i would have laughed
Stormyraejin: Yeah I know
Ray: if you were crying cause you saw me
Stormyraejin: yeah... I would be

[Stormyraejin: you need to come rape me....
Hottie Biscotti: really?
Stormyraejin: yuhuh
Stormyraejin: when?
Hottie Biscotti: i'll rip your pants off and bend you over the bed if that's what it takes
Stormyraejin: now that's what i'm talking about\
Hottie Biscotti: lol
Hottie Biscotti: it's done
Stormyraejin: so how long?
Hottie Biscotti: tomorrow morning about 5 am
Stormyraejin: you better be taking a shower after work then
Stormyraejin: LOL
Hottie Biscotti: i will take one and you can join me
Hottie Biscotti: we can do it there
Stormyraejin: You may look all like a big sex pot when you walk in the door.. but you aren't touch... heck yeee.... no.
Hottie Biscotti: and then again when we get out
Stormyraejin: Oh okay
Stormyraejin: Sounds good
Stormyraejin: LOL
Stormyraejin: are you reaaly coming to f me?
Stormyraejin: *really
Hottie Biscotti: if that's what you want
Stormyraejin: it can
Stormyraejin: ahem
Stormyraejin: It can't just be one sided
Hottie Biscotti: alright you can f me too

[Stormyraejin: I just found this picture I have been looking for for years
Stormyraejin: wanna see it?
Stormyraejin: (Link:)
Stormyraejin: It takes my breath away every time I see it
Stormyraejin: Like seriously... I couldn't even explain to you how in love with this I am
Stormyraejin: I just have to wait to save up some money to buy it
Hottie Biscotti: what is it?
Hottie Biscotti: what do you see?
Stormyraejin: It's stairs
Stormyraejin: With this never ending path
Stormyraejin: guided by light
Stormyraejin: It's just amazing
Hottie Biscotti: i know, but it must symbolize something
Stormyraejin: It's like a love story
Stormyraejin: It's sooo romantic and sexy I just ugh!
Hottie Biscotti: the ups and downs
Stormyraejin: It's pure innocence and at the same time seduction
Stormyraejin: Just the flow of the whole thing
Stormyraejin: With each intricate stone set in the diagonal or horizontal is like each little piece of love two people can share for each other
Stormyraejin: like each memory
Stormyraejin: The stair rail guiding them into eternity
Hottie Biscotti: that's deep
Stormyraejin: That's how I am with art
Hottie Biscotti: the only thing is that the stairs go down
Stormyraejin: Down into deeper love
Stormyraejin: into deep passion
Hottie Biscotti: lol
Hottie Biscotti: ic

I hate this. I'd rather walk on a thousand spiders than go through this.